Around two months ago I started to work from home everyday due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I wasn't really going to write about this as it is hardly positive but I changed my mind after reading an article suggesting the exact opposite. This article introduced me to my brand new favourite word: jottings!!
So I will try to keep it brief. The last two months have been hard and have been a blur. I've had loved ones fall ill to the virus and people that I knew are no longer here. It's been overwhelming to follow the news in Portugal and in the UK and caring about both countries. It was hard knowing that loved ones were ill in Portugal when I couldn't fly. And coming to terms to the fact that if the worst happens, I couldn't be there and I can't do anything about it.
I've been working from home and there were many days that I genuinely don't remember happening. There were days where I was so anxious I couldn't breathe. There were days that my eyelids were so heavy. I've been exhausted. So I wasn't as productive. And then I felt guilty about that so I would work extra hours to make up for it. I had to stop that cycle.
The irony is that I "predicted it" since I am someone who constantly suffers from productivity shame. There were many tweets of people saying that we should "take this lockdown as an opportunity to learn and be better at your job". But like many, I couldn't. This is why I've been away from social media (twitter) because I don't want to feel even more useless.
Everything has started to happen online: tech events, seeing my friends and family, quizzes, my therapist appointments, all work meetings and that has been draining too. I've been shutting down my computer at the end of the day and during the weekends because it can be too much.
While I was writing this post, I scrolled through my phone to see the photos that I had taken in the last two months. While most photos were of my cat and my plants (who deserve their own blog post because they are beautiful and make me happy) some were also of the empty shelves in the supermarket and how much I cried that day. I couldn't stop thinking of all the people who didn't get a chance to buy food and how many people were going to struggle so much. In one of my shopping trips, I saw someone verbally abuse a staff member of the supermarket - someone immediately intervened.
With that episode in mind and the current fines for breaking the rules in lockdown, even though I'm very lucky and privileged, I can't help but worry about hidden repercussions against immigrants. And finally, as a woman, the daily news of increase of domestic violence and intimate image abuse have been breaking my heart.
Everything has been poopy but still I am one of the lucky ones. There's lots of people going through a lot worse.
End of jotting! A longer and happier post will come in the next couple of days. Stay safe and healthy.