So I’ve been thinking, when was the last time I’ve experienced some sort of burnout from a community. And I had forgotten that tech was not my only interest, or the only thing I’ve been deeply enthralled with. While I started making websites when I was 13, I wasn’t always stuck on only thinking about web development as a hobby and career.

I used to be quite obsessed with films and filmmaking. I spent a great chunk of my young adulthood watching films and analysing them. I had semesters in university dedicated to it. I even used to organise a film festival! I was really obsessed with films! From watching the latest and obscure films, going to film festivals abroad and participating in shorts competitions. And the worst: even dated a filmmaker! It was a thing I used to love and even envisioned making my own. And at one point, like an ick, my interest in it disappeared instantly.

And I’m reflecting now because I was washing my dishes after having scrolled for a little bit on BlueSky. Stupid AI has mentally ruined me and my peers. It’s like everything has lost meaning. And I was thinking about how I technically also feel that burnout, that tiredness, that sadness, and that has been going on for years now. But to me, it started with the React world. It started when everything was done with a JavaScript framework, ignoring the web platform, the craft of back-end developers and dismissing the skills of front-end developers. And that’s when my burnout and my existential crisis in the web development community started.

Despite admitting online that I had a whole big girl cry over AI and the future of my career (and bills), I was reflecting on why this sadness doesn’t feel very strange to me. And I’ve realised it’s because I’ve been through this before with my previous passion: films. And I was trying to pinpoint the moment. When did this happen?

I have a very vivid memory of how there were photographers and cinematographers that started to get quite upset when DSLR cameras became more affordable to the public. I have this memory of people complaining and saying, “Oh, now everybody can call themselves a photographer. They buy a very expensive camera and they call themselves a photographer!”. And I remember seeing those posts online and feeling sad and rejected, because technically, due to my age, it was literally impossible for me to have started earlier in that industry. So yeah, I landed in a time where certain devices were more affordable to the public to buy. And people who had been there in that industry for so many years were not happy about how things became easier for newcomers. We see this in web development as well. I mean, web development has both sides of the coin: it’s either extremely open in teaching, welcoming and educating and breaking barriers for people to get into the industry, but it also can be extremely gatekeeping, mostly for self-preservation. While this was a bitter memory I quickly brushed it off as this wasn’t it. This wasn’t what made me leave. In fact, me and my colleagues at the time were thinking: “okay, some people are moaning about us not being real photographers because we are having it easier now. Okay. Our work will speak for itself.”.

Then it came to me. The exact moment I disconnected and it was like a black-and-white situation where my feelings vanished completely.

I went to a horror film festival that I used to love. I used to love horror films. I used to enjoy ghosts, aliens, zombies and monsters and anything that was unnatural or unrealistic. And then the selection of films I watched that year all involved sexual assault. That was the horror. I remember during one particular film that had an explicit brutal scene, I started to look around me in the theatre, and nobody was flinching. Nobody was uncomfortable or twisting their body or looking at their watch or their phone or wanting to leave their seat. Everybody was actually watching it as if that was entertainment. And I was disgusted. I was repulsed. I was uncomfortable. I felt I had lost respect for everybody around me. I was confused about why a daily thing that happens, a crime, a horror, was entertainment. And that was the moment. That was the moment I just never set foot in anything related to films again. And I know it’s not a representation of all films, all categories, all themes, all festivals. But I felt disconnected… mostly from the audience. Hundreds of people.

This is my peers' moment with web development with AI. They (and so am I) are disgusted by the lack of ethics, environmental consequences, the horrible uses of AI on the daily, horrible companies, horrible people. And we are looking around and everyone else is eating it up and enjoying it. This is the tipping point. And I get that.

For personal reasons, or whatever life reasons, I’m quite familiar with disappointment and lack of values being matched and having to move on. I can see that we will see people forced out of the industry or just move on to something else for their own sake. We will lose good people in exchange for cheap, quick and shit outputs. Quick horror film? Woman alone to be assaulted! Quick website? AI it.

I’ve cried a lot over AI. I’ve also cried a lot between 2015 and 2017. I couldn’t find a single job spec that cared about CSS. I thought I was useless and didn’t know where to turn or I should just give up.

I’ve recently been turning more and more to DIY, sewing and crafts to lift my spirits up. But doing so in a capitalist society is still daunting. The slop is everywhere. Even to wind-down I have to navigate the other craft’s shit show: the fast-fashion, polyester, fabric waste, drop-shipping, stolen designs, pollution, etc.

But even in those communities there's always the crafters: the people who care and will have you and teach you and support you.

That’s how I’ve been surviving since 2015. By trying to mingle and be where the crafters are. If given the choice wouldn’t you rather watch an Oscar nominated film instead of a fast-produced straight to streaming film? Wouldn’t you take a carefully ethically crafted wool jumper instead of a She-in polyester one?

And there isn’t really a conclusion to post. Just getting it out of the system and hope I can still pay bills until I die.